Satire - Child Welfare

Think confidentially About the Children [satire]
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Considering that the government has placed its deepest efforts into tightening the screws on safety and war implements, another problem is faced; that Britain now carries the burden as one of the worst countries to bring up children. UNICEF almost crippled my spine with this information, for which I was intending to sue, but a sudden change of heart, consisting of two weeks in hospital, caused me to consider my approach to the situation, which incidentally showed to be as terrible as my smoking addiction, so I put aside the lawsuit and slowly worked my way through the enigma.
Now, I guarantee a solution.

Westernisation has spawned a plague of negative influence, as well as stripping Britain of its traditions. However, it is some of these traditions that have caused negative influence in the first place. I speak, of course, of the ongoing affairs of Scotland, showing genitals at intervals to little persons below the age of six; namely kilts. These man-skirts of plaid are almost certainly a blatant cause of god-awful perversion and a possible cause of frequent acts of homosexuality, but I endeavour to alter this frightful reality with a proposal to invade Scotland in the next three months and send every last kilt to Holland (for enjoyment purposes).
Of course, we can't just blame external bad influences for moulding children into swearing, drug-taking, murdering, psychopathic, deranged fools because it's the parents' responsibility if their child exemplifies any of the above as a result of their lack of commitment. I believe that new security measures should be taken that if the child should leave his or her designated home unannounced; the parents are forced to search for their child through dangerous and death-defying routes, under the condition that they shall not use any mode of transport (not even to bother a perfectly tamed horse). They are also to be kept in constant watch of blatantly invisible security cameras; for if they are to deviate from the rules, their estate is to be completely demolished.
But unfortunately, there are some minors that simply disappear, and require much more than my orthodox methods to recover; and I'm absolutely fed up of sympathising with all those parents who sit on their sofas with nothing to do but mourn for their conveniently small child gone missing.
So, I have devised a carefully planned scheme, in which the affected families also disappear, in the hope that they will eventually find their child, and also to fundamentally decrease the visible population density of Britain, thus solving almost every social problem in Britain (including overcrowding in public transport and the need for children to share textbooks) whilst hopefully solving the problem at hand.  The proposed action will take place through reliable hoards of dealers, thugs and rapists; and teams of social scientists will match the precise estimate of pain inflicted on the family to the child's; so that matching pains would lead to matching destinations, therefore, a win-win situation.
Surprisingly, there's much more to be said about the matter, specifically in this case, the amount of stress placed on today's children. Now let's retrospect here: School textbooks in the 60's and 70's were more intellectual because the students weren't as stressed as they are now. Given that stress is proven to kill brain cells at a faster rate, we have effectively helped the publishers to meet the deadlines of textbooks and revision guides simply by dumbing down the student brain into something easier to convince. Many people think that Britain should cut down on stress, but Britain wouldn't be Britain today if Tony Blair hadn't over-dosed on it.
Playtime deprivation is another issue associated with the loss of child welfare in the UK, but the Heinemann publishers wouldn't have extended to meet faster deadlines if that playground in London wasn't destroyed. Thanks to this, children will have good sense to dress more accordingly at an earlier age; for instance, I'm sure that the Andrex baby is a perfect role-model for young children. If you've never seen the advertisement, it is imperative that you buy a television and see exactly what I mean. In fact, television is a perfect remedy for raising children: It pacifies them; it keeps them still and displays items that they never thought existed. It may cause obesity and contribute to global warming but in my frame of mind it's good to feel naughty sometimes, which is why playtime is such fun in the first place.

People in the past have criticized me for my lack of urgency and intuition to situations like this; but now I can assure you that these allegations are completely false, because I had discovered it last month and scripted a number rounded to 1000 (to the nearest thousand) words of size 12, Bell MT font to prove my bravado in responding quickly to aptly grim circumstances. For too long, we as a parliament have stood stiff in apprehension of political evolution; but now the mould has broken as my ambitious plans shall be put to action in the next twenty years.